We were married 17 years ago today—but we’re not celebrating.
The problem isn’t the state of the union—but the date of the union.
Flashback to 1994. It’s my second marriage—a small wedding on short notice—and it involves complicated logistics— work, two sets of kids, and me relocating from Los Angeles to Carmel. To settle my kids before starting a new school, we settle on July 17—telling family and a few friends who make plans to come.
Focused on the kids and the move, I leave wedding details for the last minute. Such as someone to marry us.
17 years ago, most rabbis won’t perform mixed marriages. This includes the rabbi at the one temple in my new community, who isn’t willing to marry me to V, who is not Jewish. I manage to locate a free-lance rabbi, who agrees.
And then I tell her the date. There’s a long pause over the phone. And she tells me that according to that year’s Jewish calendar, I picked a particularly ill-omened date—a disastrous day in history for Jews. She won’t marry us that day, she says no other rabbi will marry us that day—and she warns me : do not get married on July 17.
What can I say? Love is blind? It’s also deaf.
The rabbi’s warning washes out of my brain like the waves washing against the rocks in Pebble Beach, where we get married by a local judge on July 17.
The traditional first year anniversary gift is paper. And appropriately, I get paper on our first anniversary—only it doesn’t come from my husband. The paper comes from my breast surgeon— who hands me the pathology report from my mastectomy a few days ago, and it’s bad news. Cancer has spread all through my breast to my chest wall and four of my lymph nodes.
We drag ourselves out of his office wondering what there is to celebrate on this day, our first anniversary. That night is spent as we planned, without kids in a fancy hotel. Only we didn’t plan on the bad prognosis, my missing breast, drains coming out of my body and the upcoming year of treatment—more surgery, chemo and radiation.
And now I remember the rabbi and her warning about the date.
I could chalk it up to coincidence– if the bad karma ended there. Most importantly I did survive cancer. But the first few years of our union bring a string of other problems. Bad things keep coming—like a broken record from the universe. And I replay the rabbi’s warning over and over, in my head, and out loud—to the consternation of my no- longer- new husband. “I should have listened. God is punishing us.”
I’m not religious; but I’m reeling—and I can’t shake the feeling that a curse is hanging over our marriage.
V isn’t superstitious; but he’s supportive. And he’s willing to do anything I suggest that will stop me from driving him crazy agonizing.
I feel helpless; powerless; a victim of the universe.
But if there is anything I learned from fighting cancer, it’s the importance of NOT feeling helpless, NOT feeling like a victim. My journey with cancer was the first time in my life I learned to appreciate—and seize my own power.
So I figure I can somehow apply that lesson to our marriage. It seems simple enough—all I need to do is change the course of history. (Or at least change my perspective and attitude toward history.)
We had just moved to a new house; it felt like the right time for a fresh start. This time I officially check out the Hebrew calendar first. We settle on a date (July 25), and then settle on the couch in our new home to say our own short simple vows, all by ourselves. No guests, no rabbi, no fuss, no party—(though I’m sure I ate some chocolate to celebrate.)
We can’t wipe out the past 10 years, but we wipe out the date. I even stop wearing my wedding band with the old date inscribed (well worth the loss since the investment in the old band, including inscription, was under $100.) I get a new ring—for only slightly more money.
And that’s it. Only this time the universe is on our side.
Honestly, from that moment, our karma shifted into a positive direction. I’m still not religious; so I’m not sure what to believe. That God exists? That the universe likes playing jokes?
Personally I believe it proves the power of the mind and our power to adapt.
We chose our “new” wedding date 7 years ago. And though we don’t consider July 17 our anniversary, even on that day I have something to celebrate— I picked the wrong day, but at least I picked the right person.
Ron says
Mazel Tov! No matter what date you settle on, the important thing is that your marriage is thriving and surviving beautifully, even though the start was auspicious, to say the least. I truly believe that the “powers that be” provide us with certain trials and tribulations to make our unions stronger and not to tear them down. Enjoy your day, EVERY DAY, whenever it is!
Wendi Knox says
Darryle,
Your resilience and your sense of humor continue to amaze me.
I feel like I’ve known you my whole life—just from reading your blog.
What a gift you are.
I want to share you with the world.
Virtual hugs.
Wendi
MICHAEL ROSENTHAL says
Darryle, this is a wonderful story! I am so glad I found your blog!
Darryle Pollack says
Our marriage certainly had trial by fire–so maybe there was no way to go but up!
I think we’re finally settled on the date this time—so far, so good.
And it’s amazing how completely we wiped out all the attachment to our “original” anniversary—thanks so much for your good wishes!
Darryle Pollack says
Wendi—you’re the best—your warmth and love come across completely in cyberspace. Thank you for sharing, supporting and appreciating me. Only thing is—this “virtual” relationship has to stop—we are GOING to meet in person—this summer–I promise!!
Darryle Pollack says
Me, too! Thank you!
Richard says
The real takeaway from your terrific story is “I picked the wrong day, but at least I picked the right person.” … and THAT makes all the difference.
Ron says
Isn’t it interesting that three out of four people who commented on this post are men? Goes to show you that there are still some men around that cherish marriage and obviously respect the women in their lives.
Darryle Pollack says
Couldn’t agree more—although I could have done without the bad karma. Then again, it’s the bad things that make you truly appreciate the good things.
Darryle Pollack says
It’s funny that you pointed this out. I did NOT notice; and always assume I’m writing primarily for women. Which really does show ME that there are at least some men who cherish and respect women, and are also sentimental. Thank you—for the insight, and for reading.
amyz5 says
Wait till you meet her in person! Then you will feel like you knew her in past lives too.
Congrats, my cosmically connected blog friend.
Darryle Pollack says
Thank you! I know I’ve know you in a past life—but even better knowing you in this one!
Donna Englander Fleishman says
I do so love reading what you write. What you say — and how you say it — bring out some strong responses…laughs tears, anger. What a talented and lovely woman you are. You grew up nice! 🙂
Gail Labaton says
Happy anniversary to you and V…and I am glad that I have known you most of my life! May you have many more wonderful years ahead of you.
Hugs,
Gail
Judy Tollner says
Darryle, You are indeed wonderful in so many ways, I’m honored to know you… I wish you the best always and in all ways!! Thank you for sharing your special memories, for sharing YOU!! I just Sold your old Prado home in 15 days… it is quite special indeed!! Holding it Open tomorrow if you get a chance to stop by between 1-4… it would be great to see you and for you to see how your Buyer’s loved it too…
My best,
Judy Tollner
barbara lippert says
Wonderful post, with your trademark combination of warmth, wit, insight, and common sense. We need to catch up– I’d love to hear about your latest move, etc etc.
And, needless to say, Happy Anniversary! You are an inspiration!
Best
Barbara