Bad Taste meets The Final Four: Who is the Worst Celebrity Husband?

Sports is so old school.  This year, the real March Madness  isn’t B–Ball—it’s B–Boys.  Bad boys.  It’s been a banner year for men behaving badly.

In the post-season,  excitement is building to a peak for sports fans—as contenders for Worst Celebrity Husband move through their brackets  toward the championship.     No longer are simple sexual shenanigans enough to rise to the top.   Risks are is required to compete at this level;  the bar is higher— the behavior is lower.

Elliott Spitzer— his game is old news.  Governor Mark Sanford— looked strong early in the season; but he’s wilted, and fallen by the wayside.

2010 has brought out some very stiff competition.

After battling it out in tabloid headlines, the season comes to a head.  Four of the biggest losers in marital history emerge from the wreckage to compete for the final championship.

The FINAL FOUR:

Charlie Sheen: The veteran and perennial crowd pleaser, Charlie  comes through in the clutch after a few years out of the running.   Looking sharp,  he returns to the court with some new moves.

Even with his strong comeback, he remains  back in the pack this year.   Still,  he always has a few tricks up his sleeve.  And with so many years of experience on his side, you can never  count Charlie Sheen completely out of the game.

Odds: 10 to 1.

Tiger Woods:  Even the Chinese calendar called it:  all along, this has looked like the Year of the Tiger.   A new entry in this tournament, he crashed onto the scene—pushing aside the competition the same way he’s dominated his sport.   The trophy seemed his in a romp–even when he dipped under the radar for a few months and his story lost a little steam.

In a typical Tiger finish, he’s storming back into the spotlight—scoring  with new details of his text messages.  No surprise there—he’s known to be tough on the broads boards,  famous for the long drive,  with great stamina and staying power.   He’s the ultimate competitor;  it’s a safe bet that he will pull out all the stops.  If he can sustain his top form, it will be hard for anyone to hold that Tiger.

Odds:  5 to 2.

John Edwards: Politicians are always tough to beat, and 2010 could be the year the South will rise again.  John Edwards is a scrapper;  his  story  just won’t die.   Coming into the finals with his rank at the bottom, he’s consistently  willing to get down and dirty…. proving he’s in this for the long haul.

After he laid low for months, he dug down deep to make a run for the trophy and he’s not letting up.  His momentum is building in the last few weeks— thanks to the existence of a sex tape;  the publication of a book by Andrew Young, his former aide; a  new People Magazine cover story on Elizabeth; and the explosive power of Rielle Hunter’s naughty GQ pictures….which all prove John Edwards is still in the hunt.

Odds:  3-2

Jesse James:  The dark horse, completely unranked, zooming out of nowhere.   After dropping  a bombshell into the tournament, he quickly took his new position in the driver’s seat.  During his short run at the championship, he’s already become one of the tournament’s most colorful characters.  Muscling  to the top of his bracket, Jesse is clearly the sentimental favorite—for breaking the heart of America’s sweetheart.

He timed his move perfectly, coming just after she won her first Oscar….only days after she told America how happy she was that he’s got her back….And technically, he does— only there’s a knife in it.

Although Jesse is the least experienced competitor, his Oscar worthy performance as a loyal loving husband gives him a real chance to score a major upset, and sneak in with a come-from-behind victory.

Odds: 3-1

2010 — the toughest competition in memory. .. the only men still standing are the cream of the crop….the biggest men in the game.

Be sure to vote for your favorite in the comments.  It’s a tough call—   at stake is not only the tournament championship.  The winner of Worst Celebrity Husband will get that title he richly deserves:  Player of the Year.

Also posted on the Huffington Post

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Comments

  1. I have to vote based on my gut. And the one who turns my stomach to acid is Tiger. Such a snake!

  2. No question…John Edwards wins!! I live in North Carolina and most of us are repulsed by this man! What type of husband cheats on a wife who is battling for her life? A disgusting lowlife!! John Edwards WINS FOR BIGGEST LOSER OF THE CENTURY!!

  3. My vote goes to John Edwards. Sadly, not for the first time, but I’m now VERY glad that earlier vote amounted to nothing.

  4. I’m so torn. Each team has it’s strong points. I’m leaning toward the late-comer, Jesse James, for his sheer audacity and for leaving his wife flapping in the wind — allowing her to humiliate herself so publicly when he knew all along what was coming.

    The others, of course, could each still pull out a victory, but American memories are short and the last guy will be the one to leave his stamp during the tournament, if only to be forgotten soon afterward.

    Brilliant play-by-play analysis.

  5. Sorry, but John Edwards still isn’t as sleazy as Newt Gingrich, who pressed his wife into signing divorce papers while she was in the hospital recovering from her third cancer surgery.

  6. I vote for Edwards. (And I’m concerned that Tiger won’t get that being named Player of the Year is a bad thing!)

  7. Edwards has my vote. It is sad that they all lied to their wives, but Edwards lied to ME and YOU.

  8. My vote goes to charlie sheen who held a knife up to his wife’s neck on christmas.

  9. All good reasons. I’m not sure yet who I would choose as the lowest of the low…just wondering what men think..

  10. priscilla says:

    Too close to call!

  11. susan thacker says:

    They’re all winners, ahem LOSERS, but I put my money on John Edwards.

  12. Darryle,

    Your piece is very funny. I think Edwards wins. Jesse James isn’t a celebrity, and, besides, Sandra B. doesn’t need him. Tiger Woods should never have gotten married in the first place. Charlie Sheen seems like a jerk but doesn’t hold himself out as a saint. Edwards, however, launched an entire presidential campaign based in large part on how much he loved his family AND his family–especially Elizabeth–campaigned for him. We all loved Elizabeth. So he essentially lied to the American people.

  13. Dave Parker says:

    This man votes for Edwards, only because we’ve come to expect bad behavior from show biz people and because Tiger is too flukey. Interesting that you use brackets — I was combing HuffPo while I wait for our alma mater to play Kentucky in two hours — and I’m glad I found your blog.

  14. Dave Parker says:

    oh, okay, MY alma mater, and the place you spent your freshman year. I plum forgot.

  15. Hi Dave, thanks for the male view and glad to meet u—not so glad about “our” alma mater vs. Kentucky. My son wasn’t so glad about Cornell either–he goes to Wisconsin.

    As for the real March madness, I’m not following as closely the last couple days but Jesse James is coming on strong….and I’m finding it hard to kick the habit of writing in sports metaphors.

  16. Rick in Miami says:

    Since they’re all reprehensible men, I’d call it a tie. However, when it comes to their paramours, I think Edward’s mistress takes the prize.

    Talk about duplicitous! She knew he wanted the presidency. She knew about his wife. And yet, she aided and abetted his lust. He shouldn’t have made advances and she should have said no (maybe it was the other way around…I haven’t kept up with the dirt). Regardless, both of them deserve the condemnation he’s receiving.

  17. Unless you’re Perez Hilton, I don’t think anyone could keep up with the dirt that’s flying around these guys.

  18. GERALDINE STRINGER says:

    THE WORST HUSBAND OF THE CENTURY IS JOHN EDWARDS.

    HE SHOULD LEAVE THE COUNTRY

  19. If he did leave the country, maybe the only ones who would really miss him are the tabloids.

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