The other day when I threw out the idea of what YOU never signed up for I got several emails and a comment all on the same theme–”how do you tell the kids about __________”– cancer, job loss, divorce—things that happen in families that become the elephant in the living room.
I planned to tackle this today–when by coincidence–this very topic hits the news. And the central character is someone who happens to be very familiar with elephants—and with living rooms…from where she keeps her eye on Russia.
She’s baaa-ck.
There’s a new book out–disclosing that Sarah hid her latest pregnancy from her children, and lied even when confronted by one of her daughters. The reason I bring this up is NOT to bash Sarah Palin—although I admit I’m a little nostalgic. I bring it up because this is an example of one of those things you need to tell your kids—that isn’t going to go away.
The elephant in the living room is THE TRUTH.
It presents a crisis and a challenge. Even if it’s a gentle elephant, it can crush a little kid. And it’s impossible to tiptoe around the elephant without eventually getting stepped on.
Responding to the question about cancer– calls up experiences on both sides. When my mom had cancer, my parents didn’t tell us what she had; they didn’t tell us she was going to die. We found out the truth years after she died.
People are more enlightened today. I understand my mother’s choice to lie to her children. I also think it was a terrible choice— I suffered greatly for it, and I will never get over it .
I told myself that I would NEVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES lie to my own children if something like that happened to me.
Then it did happen to me. I got cancer. And I lied to my children.
I felt the best decision I could make at the time was to postpone the truth—until I could introduce them properly to the elephant that had taken over our living room.
I lied for a couple weeks. For the same reason my parents lied to me. We lie to our kids to protect them—it’s the most primal parenting instinct of all. We protect them, and we should. But we can’t protect them from elephants. From everything. Or from the biggest truth of all. Life isn’t fair. Some kids learn that truth at an early age. Even though that isn’t fair either.
No parent wants to do what so many of us are forced to do. To look in our children’s eyes and rob them of their innocence. To take away from them the notion that life is fair.
As difficult as it was, telling the truth was far easier than keeping up the lie. Telling them was a relief—as the truth usually is. Whether it’s about sex or about sickness—experts recommend to introduce the truth and let them ask questions—whether they ask their questions two minutes or two weeks later. What they ask—or need to know—depends on the age, temperament, and needs of the kids.
And they might react completely differently from what you expect. I know from experience that it’s no fun living with an elephant in your living room. So does Sarah Palin. But whether parents are Republicans or Democrats, sometimes the kids turn out to be great elephant handlers.
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Thank you!
Hope this helped and your friend is doing well.